Linda Henderson - battling her way through tragedy

Linda Henderson’s life was rolling along. She had a thriving business in the field of organizing with her son Erik working alongside, offered her spare time in ways that served others, mentored organizers just starting out in their profession. But it all came to a screeching halt when Erik tragically died.

 

Linda Henderson

There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to working your way through grief, no step-by-step manual. Just the very fact of having to do so can in itself be overwhelming. It’s thrust on you, giving you no choice but to deal with it in some fashion. Just getting up in the morning might never be the same.

For Linda, it’s even more complicated because of the issues surrounding Erik’s life that eventually contributed to his death.

“Erik was always a bright, happy kid,” Linda said. “He was an honor student, an Eagle Scout, he played music in the church.” Then came his senior year in high school, and a complete change in his behavior. “He became depressed, withdrawn,” Linda said.

She and her husband knew something was wrong, but had no idea what it could be. Then Erik broke his foot and was given painkillers. Soon, he added a painkiller addiction to the other problems he was having. “He had a debilitating depression,” Linda said. “He made four suicide attempts.”

This behavior went on for a number of years, until finally Erik shared with his parents what was wrong. And that news brought a whole new kind of devastation for the family. Erik confided he had been sexually abused by the older son of family friends, church friends, from when he was 3 through age 7. The abuse had begun in Hawaii, where both families were stationed in the military, and continued when both were relocated to California. Linda said Erik told her it was like a tape that ran around in his brain in a continual loop, and he couldn’t escape it, the sights, sounds, smells. She tried to think back to that time, wondering how it was possible she didn’t know what was happening.

Studies by David Finkelhor, director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center, show that 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of child sexual abuse. According to a 2003 National Institute of Justice report, 3 out of 4 adolescents who have been sexually assaulted were victimized by someone they knew well. Other statistics and researchers will tell you that abuse is widely under-reported or unreported, and that victims develop a wide range of social and emotional problems.

Linda and her husband, Marv, chose to share Erik’s story and bring charges against the perpetrator. But they quickly ran up against the statute of limitations, which had expired in Hawaii, and would expire in another six months or so in California. So they, with Erik, set about documenting all they could, hoping to bring enough proof that this horrible abuse had happened, and that it had in large part destroyed Erik’s life since.

On a day in late January, 2008, before they were able to get the case to court, Erik woke up one morning, not feeling well, Linda said. He was back living with his parents after losing his roommate, but was saving money to get his own place. Linda said she checked on Erik, who was sleeping, several times throughout the day, before deciding to leave to run an errand. When she returned, she again checked on Erik. But in those 20 minutes she was gone, Erik had passed away. He was 28 years old. Autopsy results would later reveal that he had combined alcohol with medication, and that served to suppress his system enough, which was already endangered by an enlarged heart, that he was unable to breathe after he had rolled over on his back.

“Losing Erik kind of changed everything in life,” Linda said. “I was very focused, and suddenly it was much harder to focus. My thoughts were all over the place.” Linda said she gave everything up for a while. It was all just too much. But eventually her experience kicked in, of working as a Hospice volunteer, of being a Stephen Minister, of mentoring others. “Being a Stephen Minister for so many years, I saw people give up and not move forward,” she said. “I wanted to move forward.”

For Linda, moving forward has meant becoming involved in Celebrate Recovery, restarting her business of residential and corporate organizing, but mostly, just putting one foot in front of the other, getting through each day. “It doesn’t get better,” she said. “It just gets different. You don’t feel normal anymore. I have become more reclusive.”

But Linda hasn’t let go of her faith. In fact, she said the saddest people she has ever talked with are the ones who are terrified of death because they don’t know God, or who don’t feel worthy enough that God would care about them. Linda said she has moments of happiness, but it’s not enough. “Pure joy, to experience pure joy,” she said, “that eludes me.” But as she explained, “You can’t change the past. You have to figure out how to move ahead. You have to hang onto God’s promise of eternal life.” Linda trusts that because of that promise, she will be reunited with Erik.

At the time of Erik’s death, he was a drummer in several local bands, took courses at Longview Community

Erik Henderson

College, and had plans to major in physics. But he hadn't had time yet to defeat the demons of abuse that plagued him. Sadly, the prosecutor tossed out Erik’s case, stating that upon his death, his testimony became hearsay. That’s especially painful, Linda said. She said she holds no hatred for the young man who abused Erik, because surely something awful happened to him to make him that way, though she is grieved to think that he has the chance to abuse others.

The Gospel reading from Erik’s memorial service is one that can be especially meaningful for those who are battling their way through grief and wanting to move forward. It’s from Matthew 11. “Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”